Moo cow

Growing up in rural Wisconsin I've had more than my fair share of time spent around cows. Dairy farms dotted the landscape around my hometown and a lot of my friends grew up on family farms. My dad even ran a farm for a while through his farm machinery dealership. But no farm experience can top my run in with The Cow. Ironically enough I wasn't on a farm when I met The Cow. I was, unfortunately, in a car with my friend, Sarah. And we were seventeen.

My friend, Sarah, had a mother who was an EMT. Her mom had seen a lot of car accidents, so Sarah was the most cautious driver of all my teenage friends because she had heard the results of reckless driving firsthand. Sarah's car didn't budge until everyone was buckled in. No exceptions. Sarah never sped. It was as though her car was incapable of getting over the fifty-five mph mark. That red dash was magical in that the speedometer needle couldn't break its barrier. So when riding with Sarah, one felt very safe.

One Spring evening, just as dusk was beginning to make an appearance, Sarah and I were on a back country road, headed to the next town over to get some ice cream at the Dairy Queen. We were coming from a classmate's birthday party and we were having a great time...laughing, talking, and enjoying the freedom of being able to go for ice cream on a whim. The sky was clear, the weather was warm and our windows were down.We came up over a hill, Sarah doing the usual fifty-five. At the bottom of the small hill a rather large Holstein appeared out of nowhere. Now, I realize that cows aren't the sleekest or fastest moving creatures. It's not like they're deer. Let's just call a spade a spade. But this cow had incredible leaping abilities. I have suspicion that it was related to the one that went over the moon. It jumped out from behind some overgrown brush that was growing right at the side of the road. I braced myself by extending my arms and grabbing onto the dashboard and I think I yelled, "Cow!" What happened next seems like it was in slow motion, like in the movies.

Sarah hit the brake but didn't stand on it like I would have. It seemed like we slowed down very gradually, as if she were approaching a far off stop sign. It felt like we were taking forever to stop. I could have done my nails or watched an episode of "Growing Pains" in the time it took to slow down. I remember thinking, "Hurry up and slow down! Hurry up and slow down!" We were probably going about 15 mph when we came into contact with The Cow. If I had been driving, there would have been rubber on the road and we would have been completely stopped before we got to The Cow. But I wasn't driving.

We pretty much clipped The Cow's legs out from under her, on my side of the car. The Cow slid on her side going across the hood, her face right in front of the windshield. This part was all in slow motion as well. I swear I locked eyes with that cow. She was looking at me out of the corner of one eye and it followed me as she slid by. She was scared. Fear was in her big, brown eye. The only thing I could think was, "This cow is coming right through the windshield and it's going to be on my lap. It's going to be heavy and it's going to hurt me." That's what went through my mind in that split second. I did not want a heavy and wounded (possibly dead) animal anywhere near me. I didn't care how much free beef I might get out of the deal.

The Cow slid off Sarah's side of the car. The old girl landed on her side with a spectacular thud and then clumsily got up in a hurry as though she were a college student walking on an icy sidewalk and quickly stood - hoping no one saw her go down. The Cow was a bit dazed and staggered a bit. But she quickly recovered and kind of trotted up into the yard across the road to join the rest of the herd that had escaped the same pasture. It was getting dark and the yard light had just flickered on. It was illuminating several cows standing around in the yard.

Sarah and I just looked at each other in awe. In a matter of seconds we had gone from driving with the windows down and the radio cranked and the two of us talking loudly to complete silence. The car had killed. Sarah turned the key and nothing happened. Panic showed up for a split second and Sarah tried again. No dice. Then Sarah remembered the car wasn't in park. It had killed while in drive. She put the gear into park and tried again. The car started up and panic scampered away. We sat there, idling in the car, in the middle of the road, at the bottom of a hill, while it was getting dark. Not the smartest thing we've ever done but we didn't exactly have our wits about us yet. Going forward had not occurred to us yet. We were still stunned. I think the first thing Sarah said was, "I need to call my dad." I suggested we drive to my grandparents' house who lived in the town we were headed to. But Sarah wanted to go to her ex-boyfriend's house. She had dated him a while ago but I think she was wanting to see him again. What better excuse to show up at his house than to use his phone? She put the car in drive and insisted we go to his house.

It just so happened that the ex-boyfriend was having a party that night with a live band in the garage and everything. There were cars and kids all over the place. I didn't know any of them. I really don't think I could have been more embarrassed. I felt like without us saying a word, everyone could see the story on our faces...we had just hit The Cow and needed help. We were not there to party, but rather to be rescued by Sarah's dad.

Sarah's dad called the cops from his house to report the incident, then he drove over to the town we were in and we followed him home in Sarah's car. Almost an hour after the impact we finally got to Sarah's house. When her mom asked, "Girls, what happened?" we both burst into tears. Talk about a delayed reaction! Sarah's mom asked, "Why are you crying?" "We don't know!" we wailed.

Later we found out that we were the third car to hit a cow in that area in the past few months. The farmer had trouble keeping his fence mended. The Cow was okay and unbelievably the only damage to Sarah's car were streaks of manure across the white hood from the manure-caked-sliding hooves. Not a dent or a scratch.

And we never did get our Dairy Queen ice cream that night. But did we ever get a story. It didn't take long for our adventure to spread around school and we got a lot of laughs out of telling it. And twenty years later, it still comes up from time to time.

Moo cow.